My Dear Mr Rama
Sent to ‘Mr Hari Rama’ in response to 419 scam email
My dear Mr Rama - fantastic greetings from Limpopo Province!
I am hoping that my mail finds you in the rudest of health and our benevolent God above shines down upon you and your family.
With regard to contacting you by telephone I can only apologise profusely - my problem is this: As I have told you I am a minister in the ministry of the Seventh Day Baptist chapter - at this time I am conducting field mission work amongst the brethren of Malamulele, Limpopo Province. I have no telephone access, and am communicating with you via an MDMA-GPRS wireless satellite broadband connection - we have no phone lines out here in Malamulele, such is the parlous state of the South African governments' telecommunications system. In this day and age, the scandal! Such suffering and poverty is only compounded by the difficulties inherent in the lack of basic services, as I am sure you can understand, the similarity to your situation in Burkina Faso notwithstanding. Talking about Burkina Faso, would you perhaps know my brother-in-law, Mr Vim Bumble of the Higher State of Consciousness Evangelical Mission? Ah, what good work he is doing amongst the less fortunate of that unloved corner of Africa. Indeed.
In terms of telephoning you, I will only be able to do this in six month's time, once I have gelded the youngbloods currently frolicking with such merriment in the paddock beyond my humble Tuscanesque villa. Last night a leopard tried to take one, the bastard – and my favourite no less, a Palomino cross Appaloosa thoroughbred named Samantha Lowbuttock, what a fine hinny she is too, such lovely eyelashes, most becoming in a young filly of such fine stature and undulous hindquarters. You really should see her. She certainly gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning!
Perhaps we could arrange for you to come to Giyani and assist in the gelding? All you need do is have rudimentary skills in animal husbandry such as scalpel use and the administering of anaesthetics such as ketamine in large mammals. Admittedly we have but lowly lodgings but I think the eastern wing would suffice for you and your retinue of sycophants?
Let me know soonest by mail, my brother- for the path of righteousness is beset on all sides by the deleterious effects of the Great Underminer - be strong in the service of our Lord, oh kindred congregant, and may your days be filled with bounteous harvests and the lingering scent of plentitudonous obfuscation.
Yours,
Pr H Ed Mekanik
Head Mitre Bearer
Mission Admissions
Equestrian Division, Giyani Chapter
Seventh Day Baptist Evangelical Holy Union Church
2 Garden Path Lane
Malamulele
Limpopo Province
South Africa
My dear Mr Rama - fantastic greetings from Limpopo Province!
I am hoping that my mail finds you in the rudest of health and our benevolent God above shines down upon you and your family.
With regard to contacting you by telephone I can only apologise profusely - my problem is this: As I have told you I am a minister in the ministry of the Seventh Day Baptist chapter - at this time I am conducting field mission work amongst the brethren of Malamulele, Limpopo Province. I have no telephone access, and am communicating with you via an MDMA-GPRS wireless satellite broadband connection - we have no phone lines out here in Malamulele, such is the parlous state of the South African governments' telecommunications system. In this day and age, the scandal! Such suffering and poverty is only compounded by the difficulties inherent in the lack of basic services, as I am sure you can understand, the similarity to your situation in Burkina Faso notwithstanding. Talking about Burkina Faso, would you perhaps know my brother-in-law, Mr Vim Bumble of the Higher State of Consciousness Evangelical Mission? Ah, what good work he is doing amongst the less fortunate of that unloved corner of Africa. Indeed.
In terms of telephoning you, I will only be able to do this in six month's time, once I have gelded the youngbloods currently frolicking with such merriment in the paddock beyond my humble Tuscanesque villa. Last night a leopard tried to take one, the bastard – and my favourite no less, a Palomino cross Appaloosa thoroughbred named Samantha Lowbuttock, what a fine hinny she is too, such lovely eyelashes, most becoming in a young filly of such fine stature and undulous hindquarters. You really should see her. She certainly gives me a reason to get out of bed in the morning!
Perhaps we could arrange for you to come to Giyani and assist in the gelding? All you need do is have rudimentary skills in animal husbandry such as scalpel use and the administering of anaesthetics such as ketamine in large mammals. Admittedly we have but lowly lodgings but I think the eastern wing would suffice for you and your retinue of sycophants?
Let me know soonest by mail, my brother- for the path of righteousness is beset on all sides by the deleterious effects of the Great Underminer - be strong in the service of our Lord, oh kindred congregant, and may your days be filled with bounteous harvests and the lingering scent of plentitudonous obfuscation.
Yours,
Pr H Ed Mekanik
Head Mitre Bearer
Mission Admissions
Equestrian Division, Giyani Chapter
Seventh Day Baptist Evangelical Holy Union Church
2 Garden Path Lane
Malamulele
Limpopo Province
South Africa
