Of all the signs that we in South Africa are a nation of outstandingly bad drivers (as if the omnipresent roadside crosses and bouquets were not enough proof), there is one sign that is head and shoulders above the rest: the use of hazard lights.
Now, as far as I’m aware, you’re supposed to use your hazards when:
a) warning other drivers that your vehicle is, or is about to become, a road hazard – engine is overheating, brakes are faulty, or your wipers are defective – and that you’re slowing down to stop.
b) when you are in an emergency, e.g: feeling sick or rushing someone to a hospital
c) or when the car ahead of you has an accident and you want to warn other cars behind you.
Judging by SA standards, it would seem that these rules of the road are mere suggestions. Far be it from your average road user to accept these as reasonable, and to a large extent a lot of pillocks have taken it upon themselves to add to what is obviously an arbitrary set of rules. Why be restrained by such archaic and pointless laws when there’s a whole new range of options to be applied? Hazards give you supernatural powers!
Need to fly across four lanes of highway at rush hour to pick up a passenger in the emergency lane? That’s what the button with the red triangle is for!
Stopping in the middle of the highway to wait for a gap in the fast lane? No problem!
Bang on the Almighty Hazards!
Triple parked outside your favourite fast food joint?
No problem, let your fingers do the Hazard!
Picking up a prozzi at the stop street? Give ‘em the hazards! It’s your ticket to ride!
Wanna park your small-cock-big-petrol-tank Hummer on the pavement directly below your table on the café terrace? Why sir, simply apply the Hazards!
Why be held back by norms and conventions – rules are made to be broken!
Let’s go rob a bank. We’ll just park outside the place, leave the hazards on. No problem - got it covered! The cops won’t know what to do!
Feel like a fistful of crack for a congenial evening at home? It’s all good – pull up to the kerb at your friendly neighbourhood den of iniquity, call the nearest dealer over, slap on the blinking reds and – voila! – Hazard Power gives you immunity from prosecution!