Fear & Loathing On The Boulevard Of Broken Dreams

By Travis Lyle a.k.a DJ Hedmekanik
What're yew lookin' at, maggot? Move it!

So I’m trying for my license again…fear and loathing on the highway? You betcha. Mind you, nothing comes close to those fleeting moments before my driving instructor arrives. He’s a piece of work, he is. Thinks I’m mentally deficient, and you can tell, the way he starts foaming at the mouth when I don’t get an instruction right. Actually, scratch that – I get them right, he just jumps the gun and freaks out before I’ve even had a chance to screw up the parallel park or alley docking he’s doing his best to scream me into. Instruction is one thing. Guidance by sonic boom is another thing altogether, and as I don’t deal with apoplectic rapid-fire drill sergeant manners at the best of times, there’s a predictably patchy result. The other thing that throws me off my game is his incessant teeth sucking. No, not like you might surreptitiously do after a particularly sinewy piece of rib or a heavily laced poppyseed muffin – this is more like the high tide sluicing through all thirty thousand full-grown black lipped, bearded mussels on a long, long pier as the tide goes out. All the time. ‘Stthhhhhhhh. Sthhhhh. Sthhhhhhhh. YES! FULL LOCK TO THE RIGHT! WASSRONGWIYOO?’

It’s not right, it’s not fair, and I’m considering ringing up those geezers in The Hague and laying a couple charges. That’ll learn him.

Then of course there’s his car - it’s fucked. An old nag of a Toyota Tazz with fewer teeth in its gears than your average marshmallow mouse, I’m not entirely sure how this skorokoro ever makes the grade in the yard test. Guess we’ll find out Monday when I Go For Broke – The Sequel. Will I emerge triumphant into the humid morning with a smile on my face the size of a Honduran plantain? I sincerely hope so - the admin alone throughout this license palaver is enough to swear you off ever going for it again.

Keeping with the vehicular theme, here’s a ditty I dropped on Saturday night at the Uprising Festival. Remember now – keep left, pass right.

War - Low Rider (DJ Kue Remix).mp3


2 comments so far.

  1. Expensive Mistakes and Cheap Thrills July 31, 2008 at 1:10 PM
    trying to get my licence as well..

    things not going too smashing...

    am on verge of giving up.

    hoping winning a competition will perk me up - i tagged you to enter too - http://expensivemistakescheapthrills.wordpress.com/2008/07/31/daisies-can-like-to-rock-the-jean-pant-jol-too-you-know/

    check it out - please, oh please, enter!
  2. hedmekanik August 5, 2008 at 8:01 AM
    Bloody marvellous - I'm all over it like my bosses' chicken pox. (Helluva thing when you're over 50...poor bastard...)

    Hope the compo's still open.


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