There’s No ‘I’ In Team

By Travis Lyle a.k.a DJ Hedmekanik
Here's a story:


I ignored my way through that year at Whitelaw’s. They didn’t like it, and made their feelings quite clear on the matter, but what could they do? My work was always in ahead of schedule, up to scratch and, if anything, of better quality than they had expected. So they could gently go and fuck themselves. I deserved every cigarette break, despite the accusing glances and discontented grumblings directed at me from behind the plexiglass panels that constituted their poor understanding of an office. With long-term employees having swallowed the corporate culture whole, it was a little like being in a weird cult. There was only one thing for it – ignore the hell out of them and their determinations.

The issue I had with Whitelaw’s was the hysterically sycophantic corporate culture they tried to drum into every worker bee dull-witted enough to be susceptible. Weekends away, team building exercises, peppy seminars, free Instruction Manuals With Capital-Letter-Infested Titles Which Exhort! YOU! To Be Better At Your Crappy! Job! And of course mind-numbing sessions spent listening to deranged motivational speakers who chant a regurgitated version of every other pop-eyed psycho Life Coach. Oprah, eat your cholesterol-choked heart out, baby.

It always struck me as odd that these Life Coaches and Leadership Instructors were themselves no remarkable success at Life nor Leadership. ‘Kinda like critics,’ the wife said – ‘those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach.’ Idiots that they were, Whitelaw’s were suitably impressed and swallowed the lot as though it were gospel. That’s what happens to companies when they get so big they lose touch of the importance of actually having a CEO who acts and is active as a leader. In the absence of managerial figures with the actual real-life charismatic personality that could instill a sense of aspiration in the salaried troops, this is what happens – you get Life Coaches and Leadership Seminars, the synthetic pathetic of the business world.

Pillocks. Like I said to that toad Mallet on my last day – ‘I agree, Mallet, there is no ‘I’ in team. But there is a ‘U’ in cunt.’

There are many ways to resign, but I think that one was the most definite.



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